Episode 32: Captain Boomies and The Bear

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VO: Ahoy there! Bradford here with a reminder, don’t forget to go to HowNotToSail.com/32 that’s 32 for all kinds of stuff, including links to my video interview with Captain Boomies and a major cameo by Christian, as well as a link to Captain Boomies’ other latest appearance on the Shooting The Breeze Sailing Podcast with my friend, Captain Jeffrey Wettig.

But now this.

Captain Boomies: Where do we, where do we start this monster?

VO: As promised this week, the interview with Captain Boomies and her engineer, husband, Christian.

Christian: It’s the most horrific thing that can happen on the boat. I mean, I’d rather face a fire.

VO: Talk about how they got into yachting…

Captain Boomies: Sunburn, sunburn. Wait a minute.

I picked sunburn.

VO: Heck, maybe I can even talk them into fixing that life vest that auto inflated when I was paddleboarding.

Christian: So did you have an audience when you set it off or were all.

BR: I did not have an audience till I put it on YouTube.

VO: We’ll just see how it goes.

How Not To Sail, sponsored by our awesome Patreon, patrons and Latitudes & Attitudes magazine.

They ruined my life. So why not let them ruin yours today, at LatsAtts.com.

Christian: Thank you, sir.

VO: You may remember that during the boat show, I had Captain Boomies and her husband Christian aboard Jacie Sails, and I prevailed upon Christian to look at my thru-hulls.

Christian: Oh yeah. Yeah. You’ve definitely lost the keyway there.

VO: And while I’ve got a mechanical genius in the house, There’s this nice yellow auto inflatable life vest that needs some attention ever since I took it paddleboarding,

BR: I think it would be great audio for you to show me how to put the cartridge back in, in this vest.

VO: Yeah, it’s embarrassing, but I’m used to it

Christian: And honest with you. I’ve never actually had to reset one of these.

BR: So you haven’t been paddleboarding with a automatic…

VO: So just in case you missed episode 28 on How Not To Paddleboard, I guess it’s time for

How Not To Sail 101: When paddleboarding it is advisable not to wear an automatically inflating life vest, as you might occasionally or often go in the water.

Christian: Let’s just do it while we’re here.

VO: Couldn’t agree. More. And Christian and Boomies have a look

Christian: I don’t know how it works. It’s inside the bag. I’ve never had to reload one.

Captain Boomies: What the d— shoes?

VO: At first, this one presents a bit of a puzzle.

And it looks like there might be a small problem

Christian: Okay. Well, that’s a missing piece of the zipper.

BR: Santo cielo non capisco quello che dici! Okay.

VO: But thankfully that piece was just hiding for a second.

Christian: Oh,

We’re in good shape.

Look at there!.

VO: There’s just one super important precaution.

Christian: Don’t pull the tab

VO: because that would be frustrating.

Christian: Huge waste of time.

VO: But Christian gets it assembled without pulling the tab. And I think it’s about time for that interview thing.

Captain Boomies: Hoy ahoy, I am Captain Boomies and this lovely individual here is my engineer Bear.

Christian: And unwitting husband.

I tricked here into leaving college and come on a boat with me. And then she tricked me into getting her a ring.

The jokes on her. The ring’s an heirloom. It didn’t cost me a dime.

VO: “Bear” is Christian Hollingsworth. And after all the kind help he’s given me, I feel like he’s gotten short shrift in the last interview or two.

Maybe just this, once he deserves the treatment that we reserved for only the very highest VIP. (“Most Interesting Man” parody – 30 sec)

Christian: I was a heavy equipment operator in Louisiana had an 80 foot boom truck. Um, I was hanging signs and doing a little bit of, uh, Katrina relief and, uh, someone told me I could make a hundred dollars a day cash washing boats in sunny, Florida. And I said f— this machine and left, sold everything I owned and packed my entire life and the two duffle bags and went to Florida.

VO: If that seems like an unlikely way to become a chief engineer, just remembered that things were different way back in the early oughts.

Christian: Back when I was getting started, everything was done on a handshake. So you would say, I know what I’m doing and they’d say, okay. And we’ll see, and you’d get hired on. And then you could either, you know, meet those expectations or fail miserably.

VO: Christian did not fail miserably and kept meeting expectations until he was the chief engineer on 160 foot boat with two people working under him.

Christian: I would go back to my cabin and go, what the f—? I can’t believe they hadn’t figured this out yet, but I kept doing okay.

VO: And then he met a certain young lady

Captain Boomies: Grew up sailing and then started teaching sailing.

And then there was this big white boat in my way, every day, teaching sailing. And, uh, there happened to be a hot guy on it, and they convinced me to take that a hundred footer down to Fort Lauderdale. And I was really good at it.

VO: But Captain Boomies didn’t get to become a mega yacht captain right off.

Captain Boomies: I started as a Deck Stew, which is the worst job you can possibly have in yachting.

VO: Just like that reality show on TV, you have your interior team and your deck team.

Captain Boomies: And the Deck Stew just gets whatever the worst jobs are from both teams.

Christian: Yeah. So you have to decide, do you want to scrub away piss driblets, or do you want to scrub away salt spray with a sunburn?

And uh…

Captain Boomies: I picked sunburn.

Christian: Yeah, sunburn. Way to be.

Captain Boomies: I picked sunburn.

VO: But eventually Captain Boomies did become captain of large white mega yachts. And Christian became chief engineer on same. And as you can imagine, they have some pretty sound advice for boaters and would be boaters.

Christian: Leave your captain’s license at home.

BR: So we’re supposed to have a license?

Christian: It’s just highly encouraged,

VO: Seriously, having a captain’s license is cool and all, but there’s also a lot of responsibilities that go along with that.

Captain Boomies: If you’re taking money, you have to have it. But if you’re not going to take money, don’t get it. It’s not worth it.

VO: In fact, Captain Boomies may or may not have developed a technique for making sure things don’t get too serious.

Captain Boomies: I have safe boater certificate from my state. And that’s what I show to the DNR. So the cops show up, they get my safe boaters certificate. They do not get to see my captains license.

VO: It seems like sound advice to me, because theoretically owning a boat’s about fun, and not stress.

Christian: Now don’t get too caught up in, um, all of the advice and mantras and YouTube videos and experts out there because odds are whatever way you think is going to work, it’s going to work. And you’re going to be just fine.

And the whole point of this is to have fun and enjoy yourself and not be stressed about, did you do something the, you know, shipshape way. So just enjoy the boat. Cause otherwise, why the hell did you buy it?

VO: Which reminds me, I need Christian to help me understand what’s going on with my boat.

Christian: Someone in your marina is putting out a lot of stray voltage.

And that stray electricity is eating all of the, in your case, you have Silicon bronze, it’s eating all the zinc out of your Silicon bronze and all of your thru-hulls are, or well all your ball valves on the thru-hulls. Uh, the shaft has a little key on the stainless steel ball and that has cracked off and now all of them are worthless.

Captain Boomies: Explain it again in a way that I will pay attention to

Christian: See this is what I’m talking about with the pronouns. The thing is f—ed up and the s— don’t work no more.

BR: That was perfect. It gives me something to bleep.

VO: While we’re all in such a good mood. I figure I should ask our Intrepid engineer how does my vessel compared to the average cruising vessel?

Christian: I think you’re right in the area that I suspect most people are. They’ve got a boat, they do their best to take care of it and clean it and maintain it.

It’s comfortable. It’s livable. And, uh, by far not the dirtiest I’ve ever seen.

VO: Uh, thanks?

Christian: I mean, I’ve been on boats where you’re like pushing away stalactites of mold as you climb through. And there’s dog hair everywhere and rotten sewage. So this. I’m dry, I’m comfortable and nothing smells.

VO: Well, I suppose that’s an accomplishment. Because since the water intake to the head isn’t working, I have to use a bucket full of water to move things through.

Christian: You could do the old bucket and chuck it and not even worry about it.

BR: Yeah. We’d have more Finless Browns in the,

Christian: Yeah, you don’t want that. You don’t want that. You’re gonna have to start eating a nickel with every meal to keep it down at the bottom.

BR: Oh yeah. Good point.

Captain Boomies: So gross. I love you.

VO: Clearly, everybody aboard Jacie Sails today has a healthy attitude towards these matters and you kind of have to, because it’s part of the cruising life.

Even if poo is in our favorite thing,

Christian: it’s the most horrific thing that can happen on a boat. I mean, I’d rather face a fire.

VO: That seems a little extreme to me. Until I come to learn why Christian feels that way.

Christian: I was on a boat one time where a, a contractor had just committed a brown hate crime in, uh, in the head.

And there was nothing we could do to unclog it. So we vacuumed up what we could from the top. And then I, being the mongoose that I am, rather tall and thin, I had to go into the master salon. I, sorry. Master cabin. Opened their closet. And there was a little access panel in the back of the closet. And behind that was yet another little Alice In Wonderland hatch.

And in there I could get between the outer hull and the interior walls of the boat, and couldn’t take a deep breath, that’s how thin we were, and I have to reach up.

And I asked several times, has he vacuumed everything out of that head. And he assured me, he had.

So I get the hose off the bottom of the head loose, open it up, and I am showered with about a gallon and a half of just nightmares.

And. I, it took me 10 minutes to get into this hole. So I had to just kinda take it.

And to hear it from the captain, he was just up in the wheelhouse and all of a sudden hears “waaaaaaaaah!!!” just coming from down low. And he ran down and pulls me out of there.

I ran off the boat, jumped overboard, and then spent the rest of the day showering.

And, uh, I still don’t feel clean.

VO: Well, as long as it’s nothing to do with my boat.

Meanwhile, Captain Boomies has a story on how quick thinking saved her some of the embarrassment.

Captain Boomies: So mine is, it doesn’t have anything to do with anybody else’s holding tank but my own.

But it was a very fancy yacht party, uh, that I somehow scored an invitation to. And I was super excited to be there. My boss had invited me. I never get invited to the fancy parties. So I was all in.

I had my cute cocktail dress on. I was ready to go. And as soon as you step on this yacht, his, the, the crew is amazing and they shove a champagne glass in your hand.

And it just downing the best bubbles, and you’re having such a wonderful fancy time.

And I’m like a Magnum deep and, um, got to use the head. The line for the head though, is stem to stern. Is going to take a very long time, much longer than I have.

So I start making my way to the gangway, figuring I just got to get off this boat and nobody should invite me to fancy parties because I can’t be trusted.

But as I’m getting to the gangway, I get stopped by my boss. And he’s like, oh, Captain, you have to meet somebody. And he introduces me to a prince, a literal royalty prince, no joke, sash and everything with the spanglies. Prince.

And I’m definitely star struck, but I’m also bursting. My tanks are pressed. Like I cannot spend another second here.

Um, but then the prince tells a joke and everybody’s supposed to laugh politely. I know I, I do my best to laugh and a little comes out. I know I’m like, oh no. And I feel like coming down my leg and the prince tells another joke. And I do my polite laugh and a little more comes out and I I’m totally screwed at this point.

Uh, so I have a moment of brilliance and I take my champagne glass and I throw the rest of my champagne on my crotch and pee and run for the gangway going, oh, oops, I spilled. And absolutely made a beeline for it. I was completely mortified. I don’t think I came out of my cabin for the rest of the trip.

Uh, I I’ve never been so. Uh, horrified with myself ever. And also slightly impressed at my, uh, quick thinking.

VO: I should just keep like a chocolate shake handy.

Christian: Just in case.

VO: This kind of humor may explain why I sailed by myself so often.

Christian: Sailing solo, though, you still get to bitch at the crew. It’s just more fun. You know?

BR: I’m– trust me. I do.

VO: Of course, there are times when it’s unwise to bitch at the crew members.

Christian: So I was on a boat and, uh, it was all, we had a whole fleet. It was, uh, three boats in the fleet and I was the engineer for the two little boats. The chief engineer on the big boat kind of ran the engineering program for the whole fleet.

He was Russian and he had hired a guy he knew. This guy was Chechen and I’m pretty sure they don’t get along. But for some reason, these two were friends.

The fellow was about the age you’d expect a Chechen to be to have fought in one of the civil wars. And that’s some real hard living.

VO: Unfortunately for Christian, if a crew member were to say, dump some oily bilge water into a very delicate marine head that has a biological agent in it that doesn’t respond well to oily bilge water,

it’s his job to chew them out.

Christian: He also managed to clog the head with a rag. And I was furious.

VO: I think Ray Charles could probably see where this is going, as my friend Theron would say.

Christian: I lose my temper and start screaming at this man, who’s a little older than me, certainly harder than I am. And he starts yelling back at me in his thick Chechen accent.

And we are now nose to nose about to fist fight. When I realized he’s probably killed before and he would not hesitate to take me down. And I had to be, delicately backed down without losing face and, um, think I failed.

Captain Boomies: I’m like a tiny bit worried that they can figure out what boats you’re talking about based on the sizes

Christian: They got bigger fish to fry. What with their crashing into things.

VO: This yachting thing sure is a strange business. But that reminds me. I’m still planning to haul out my boat to fix those thru-hulls,

BR: Uh, thumbnail assessment of the prognosis for this little haul out stuff?

Christian: I have every faith in this vessel and this Captain to make it from here to across the bay, to the yard, to get hauled out. Uh, when they get launched back in, we’ll have to see for ourselves.

VO: I suppose we will. If I ever get over there. It won’t be this week because the tide’s too low.

But you know I’ll keep you posted.

Make sure you’re subscribed to How Not To Sail on your favorite podcast app so you’ll have the next episode right on your gadget or computer on March 11th.

I’d tell you what it’s about, but my recording software had the virtual equivalent of a gallon of holding tank water poured on it. And we’re screaming into this Friday release on two wheels.

Thanks as always to our awesome Patreon patrons.

And Latitudes & Attitudes magazine. They ruined my life. So why not let them ruin yours today at Latsatts.com.

Don’t forget to go to HowNotToSail.com/32 for the show notes to this episode.

In fact, you can find everything How Not To Sail at HowNotToSail.com, including a store where you can get cool merch. The contact tab, where you can leave a voicemail or an email, or get on the email list. The audio podcast, the YouTube channel and the book.

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It’s really a no brainer, which is exactly how I like it.

I sure do appreciate you listening and telling your friends.

Remember if it’s pink, it’s eating your zinc.

And I’ll see you next time on.

Christian: As soon as the project was done, I got very bored very quickly and split. I always just want to be in the yard, tearing things open. The whole wearing, uh, you know, the epaulets and doing all the silver service was really not for me.

Show Notes

Markers

Teaser0:24
HNTS Theme1:00
Setting The Scene1:18
How Not To Sail 101: Life Vest2:04
Fixin’ The Life Vest2:27
Boomies and The Bear3:26
The Most Interesting Engineer In The World4:11
Christian Becomes An Engineer4:37
Captain Boomies Begins To Rule The Seas5:36
“Leave Your Captain’s License At Home”7:04
What’s Up With MY Boat???8:20
(It Doesn’t Smell?)9:07
Bucket & Chuck It?10:00
“Poo” Happens10:20
Also, Pee Happens…12:03
Be Careful Who You Bitch At15:03
Will I Make It, Doc?17:09
Outro17:38
That Sound Bite At The End19:10

 

I know I mentioned at least two links in this episode…

HERE’s the link to my video interview with Captain Boomies (and Christian)…

And HERE’s the link to Captain Boomies’ interview with my friend Capt. Jeffrey Wettig on the Shooting The Breeze Sailing Podcast.

Thank You, Christine

Big ups to social media goddess Christine Lozada! She does not “appear” in this episode because she was mostly out flying a drone while we were recording. (And thusly would have made for an extra wheel in the narrative.)

But Christine is an awesome human, and does some amazing photography, and teaches it (and social media), too…so check her out at ChristineLozada.com.

Upcoming Episodes

Oh, yes, I’ve got several podcasts brewing in the hopper… Some of them require more heavy lifting than others, but a couple that you’re likely to hear soon:

  • Our Patreon friends Sondra and Jimmy make a Gulf crossing and learn a number of lessons on How Not To Sail. (I LOVE the idea of this… I hear plenty of my own “learning experiences.” I’m really stoked to share this one.)

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Do YOU have an idea for an episode of How Not To Sail? Let me know in the comments below…or give me a hail on the #HowNotToSailer Hotline!

Previous articleEpisode 31: Stuck On Trickle (St. Pete Boat Show)
Next articleEpisode 33: Answerin’ Yarrrr Questions…
Producer. Performer. Sailor. Multimedia Ninja. Author of How Not To Sail, host of the How Not To Sail podcast and YouTube channel.

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