Welcome to our newest Patreon patrons! Doug Lance Dave Hastings
How Not To Sail’s Craptastic (But Speedy & Privacy-Friendly) Podcast Player
Ep. 51: DINGHY Awards™ Nominations Show
Jan 10th 2024
Mixed by Maxi Frini.

Show Notes

0:00Previous Episode Recap
0:50Opening Theme
1:08Patron Meetup
2:21A Blowtorch, Seacocks, and Running Water
3:52How Not To Sail 101
4:08Our Current SNAFU
6:38Booking A Haulout
7:22Will Peter Perform A Tune?
7:46Music: Peter Suarez, “All At Sea,” with setup
11:20Music: Peter Suarez, “The Prisoner’s Lament,” with setup
16:03Who Wins The Wager Over “Spar” Definition?
17:58Outro, including Next Episode Tease
18:27Show Notes Info and Patron Shout Outs
19:17Sponsor: Shooting The Breeze Sailing Podcast
20:04Thanks to Maxi Frini & Silly (but kinda real) Disclaimer
20:30The Secret Sound Bite
Okay… As promised in the podcast, here is the official version of “The Prisoner’s Lament” by our friend Peter Suarez…truly one of the funniest and cleverest songs I’ve ever heard. (I guess I had a senior moment and forgot that I teed it up already last season in Episode 2…but I’m sure you’ll forgive me.)

The Prisoner’s Lament

(Don’t be confused by any captions that say, “All At Sea”… This is the droid you were looking for.)

All At Sea

Also, here’s the “so far official” version of All At Sea… Somehow the video sync is a little off…but hell, half the stuff I see on TV these days isn’t synched any better. So get off me!!! 🤣 As noted in the podcast: Push the boat out = buy a round of drinks Splice the main brace = do something worthy of receiving a drink Throw a fish to Captain = give a cursory salute Three sheets to the wind = drunk

Spars and Such

Also, ahem… In the nautical trivia department: a spar is indeed any horizontal or vertical long part of a boat (historically made of wood) such as a mast or boom. Yes, I have often been accused of having a mind for trivia…
How Not To Sail 101: Always bear in mind that it’s preferable to keep the ocean outside of the boat. Anything that tends to prevent that condition should be considered undesirable.

St. Pete Boat Show

Okay, so I plan on seeing you at the St. Petersburg Power & Sailboat Show. I expect that Latitudes & Attitudes will be throwing their usual cruisers’ party on Saturday the 22nd, if history is any guide…so I definitely plan to be there for that part. If it’s the same as before, you need to be inside the venue before closing time. (5pm?) More details forthcoming, BUT ALSO… Get How Not To Sail HERE

VIP Patrons Meetup

I also plan on having a little meetup for our How Not To Sail Patreon Patrons on Thursday, January 20th…so if you’ve been thinking about joining the Patreon crew, this is a perfectly fine excuse to climb aboard! I’ll be sending out the final info on the meetup a couple of days beforehand…but it will be in the St. Pete area, either very close to the boat show, or in Gulfport (maybe 5-7 minutes’ drive), depending on the forecast, and how frisky I’m feeling.

Another Podcast For You

In case you’ve already binge-listened to all of the How Not To Sail episodes, you might enjoy listening to my buddy Captain Wettig’s podcast, the Shooting The Breeze Sailing Podcast. Not because I’m a guest on Episode 125 or anything, but because Captain Jeffrey Wettig’s always a great listen. It’s like sitting across from a good friend at the pub, as he talks to a cool guest. And maybe they have a beer or too, metaphorically speaking. Who knows? And I mean, don’t you want to have a beer with him?


Upcoming Episodes

Oh, yes, I’ve got several podcasts brewing in the hopper… Some of them require more heavy lifting than others, but a couple that you’re likely to hear soon:
  • Our Patreon friends Sondra and Jimmy make a Gulf crossing and learn a number of lessons on How Not To Sail.(I LOVE the idea of this… I hear plenty of my own “learning experiences.” I’m really stoked to share this one.)
    It is normal to desire mutiny. The key is not to act on it. –Sondra Lee
Do YOU have an idea for an episode of How Not To Sail? Let me know in the comments below…or give me a hail on the #HowNotToSailer Hotline!

VO: In our last regular episode

we may have played with a blow torch

And added some new items to our punch list.

Mike: Why is it flowing so much? Seacock's off, right?

BR: It's supposed to be.

VO: We were still waiting to get a musical performance from Peter Suarez.

Peter: I really, unfortunately didn't get around to trying to piece this one back together until this afternoon. And it's

VO: But we did wager a dollar on some nautical trivia

Peter: I don't think that a vertical structure, like a mast would be considered a spar.

VO: Do you suppose we can wrap this all up today?

You never know. I might surprise you. How Not To Sail, sponsored by our awesome Patreon patrons. And Latitudes & Attitudes magazine. They ruined my life. So why not let them ruin yours today, at LatsAtts.com?

VO: Now before we try to bend together all the disparate bitter ends of these various storylines into something coherent, I just wanted to remind you that this is pretty much your last chance to become a Patreon patron of How Not To Sail. Before the boat show and the patron meet and greet,

Which will be in the greater St. Pete area on the Thursday of the boat show week.

As we get closer to the blessed event, I'll be considering the weather and a couple other factors. And we'll either be doing it within a mile or so of the venue. Or possibly in Gulf port, which is just five to seven minutes away.

But I'll be sending out the information to our Patreon crew not long before that.

Including our latest crew members Dave and Carson.

Thank you so much.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out there. If you want to become a Patreon before the meetup, just go to How Not To Sail dot com slash Patreon. That's P a T R E O N. And you can become a patron for as little as $3 a month.

I greatly appreciate it. It helps me set aside time to do this thing, and I am looking forward to seeing you at the, as yet undisclosed location. But meanwhile...

I'd come down to the marina to see why my zincs kept disappearing so fast.

And what the heck might be going on with stray electricity in the water.

VO: I also wanted to get an interview and maybe some music from my friend, Peter Suarez.

Even though I hadn't quite crossed those items off the punch list yet, somehow i managed to add even more.

Mike: You want me to see if I can break these bolts loose? Sure. Okay.

VO: I do not recommend using a blow torch, aboard a boat. But in this case, it did work out fine and allowed my friend, Mike, to remove the bolts, securing the water pump. And one of the engines anx which had been particularly stubborn

The complication arose when mike removed the end of the hose connecting the raw water intake to the engine water pump.

Mike: Why is it flowing so much?

VO: It's looking like something maybe electrolysis as caused the ball valve to be stuck in the full open position. No matter which way you turn the handle-

Mike: That's interesting Bradford.

Seacock's off, right?

BR: It's supposed to be.

VO: This strikes me as a good time for a helpful reminder.

How Not To Sail 1 0 1.

Always bear in mind that it's preferable to keep the ocean outside of the boat. Anything that tends to prevent that condition should be considered undesirable.

VO: So here we have the marina water very much coming into the inside of the boat.

The only way to stop it,

other than attaching the hose back to the engine water pump that we want to take out, is to stick a thumb over the end of the hose. Or to raise the hose up higher than the waterline.

It's kind of hard for me to determine where the water line is from inside the boat. But there's one easy way to find out. Just raise and lower the end of the hose. Once you've moved the end of the hose above the water line, the water stops flowing out of it.

what I'm wanting to do since I got the torch rate here is I'm going to get that bolt on the bottom to loosen.

And that way, when we get the bolt, where person we can come back here and figure out what the next game is. How's that sound? That sound logical?


VO: We decide to let Mike go ahead and take the water pump, make sure that we raise the end of the hose up above the waterline, and put a plug in it,

with a clamp around the host to secure the plug. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, I suppose the plug and clamp could fail. The hose could fall over and we'd flood the boat if the bilge pump stops working.

After sending Mike off with the water pump in a very salty engine zinc. I can't help it be a

little pessimistic

Mike's got the water pump with him to rebuild. So the engine is out of commission regardless for a couple of weeks. So The Admiral and I will not be cruising for new year. We'll see if we can even get her back in action for the boat show.

VO: Tonya. And I were thinking about doing our kind of regular new year's cruise. But that's not going to happen unless Mike is able to get the water pump back in right quick, like. And the boat shows only a couple of weeks after that.

But those little issues are nothing compared to my main concern.

I'm scared to work on that ball valve at the engine, raw water intake while we're in the water. Because if we mess up the through hole, that's there below the water line. That could be a problem.

VO: A mistake here coupled with a failure of the battery powered bilge pump might result in not keeping the ocean out of the boat

BR: So a beverage was had, and now it's time to hit the rack.

Yes, hi. I was just calling about a haul out.

VO: The next day. I figure it's time to bite the bullet

BR: Wow, I didn't know you'd be available that soon.

VO: Fortunately, they have some space for me in their schedule. And it looks like the day after the st pete boat show

BR: Yeah, I'm going to need to consult with The Admiral, but I will get back with you very quickly on that.

VO: Paul out aside from costing money tend to make me a little nervous, but after a string of not success is at least I finally backed myself into a corner to try and get something constructive. Done.

And just maybe while I'm on a roll, maybe I can get some music from Mr. Peter Suarez.

Peter: We can try it. I did work on it this afternoon for quite a while. Actually. I spent some time

trying to re up

VO: there are a couple of my favorite songs. I hope Peter will remember.

And after a bit of sushi and an adult beverage he agrees to bring his guitar over to Jacie Sails and give him a shot.

Peter: yeah, no, I think it might be considerably slower than the last time we did it. I mean, it's uh,

VO: I can speak from experience. When I say it's not uncommon to forget your own songs. Especially if you have a couple hundred of them, like Peter does.

There's one in particular that I very much wanted to get recorded and it's called All At Sea.

One of my favorite things about the song is that it's filled with nautical euphemisms for drinking and drunkenness.

Peter: okay. To push the boat out is to a service for someone. And so that became synonymous with buying a round of drinks,

To throw a fish to captain meant to give a very quick and cursory salute in between seeing captain and getting back to your task.

BR: and the title of this song

Peter: all at sea is just kind of an

all encompassing

term that has to do with sailing poorly frequently, because the men were entirely wasted on grog.

BR: Well, I'll tell you what, why don't you bust up into that? And if anybody notices any sailing terms that Peter forgot that he wrote, put them on the voicemail.

Peter: throw a fish, the captain then don't, you know, it's time to turn to and to vehicle way,


Peter: see

BR: Joe, Joe,

Peter: the boat,

BR: push

Peter: the boat out and spice main raise with me. this night, three shades

next to the moon rise. If we be not high, we'll do it all over again.

BR: Joe.

Peter: surprisingly not a bad rendition. I don't think. Alright. I'm actually kind of surprised I got through it.

BR: Hopefully I, yeah. That's the way I always feel about a cruise.

Peter: Yeah, yeah. Kind of the same. Yeah,

VO: But as sketchy as some of my cruises are, so is Peter's recollection of mana my favorite songs in the whole world and possibly one of the funniest I've ever heard.

Peter: so I wrote this very pretty piece of music and I wanted to find a lyric that would do it justice. So I took as my inspiration to men and an Irish prison about to be put in. Because they really weren't very nice man, but they were great friends to each other. So shortly before their time and prison garb being what it is, one of these men sings the song to the other, this beautiful and touching.

And what could be more tough to put an Irish prison?

. Yeah, I'm not ready to play this, but, um, I'm glad that you made me relearn it.

VO: So it looks like that's probably a no go for Peter playing The Prisoners Lament.

Problem is it's just, it's not like somewhere. You can just go again.

VO: I try to talk Peter into giving it a shot anyway. And if it doesn't work well, we can just post the version we already have in the show notes or something

If you will give me, but one chance, surely can Richie. We should be in each other's patents. it was too small. So gave your pals to be, I know Fiji stomach and just let me wear them before you tear them. Each other's pads. You see happy. We'll be.

If you will give me one try. Surely can. Nah, I got that far. If you will give me one, try to decide. Okay. If you love me,

surely you can fit it. You should be the first one to die. Take off. I've had ups, you and me stay in the glass. You're surely a bed. The main line shit. I thought you said you're going to do acapella. I can snap. If you will give me one chance. I'll surely convince you that we should be in each other's pants.

Minor's too big. You see yours too small. So give your pants to me. Mine, move, fit, shoes, stomach, and all. Just let me wear them before you tear them in each other's pants. You'll see how happy you will be. So if you will give me, but one try, I'll surely convince you that you should be the first one to die.

We'll take off our pants. You in me, stare in the glass. You're sure liquid this world. When you see the size of your bloom and ask of me anything friend here at the end, just give me that chance to die in your pants. So if you will give me just one chance. I'll surely convince you that we should be in each other's pants I think that might be the close of the podcast. Uh, damn. And it, I think it is now that's, that's at least the soundbite of that.

VO: So we'll put a little link in the show notes to the official version. But meanwhile there was that business about a wager about what the meaning of spar is.

Peter: I don't think that a vertical structure like a mast would be considered a spar.

VO: Apparently Peter did some homework he's anxious to share with me, but I still feel like he might be missing something important.

Peter: We had a discussion

We were talking about spars.

BR: Yes.

Peter: And any of your listening audience out that knows

of movie or any of

books or


mastering commander written by Patrick O'Brian.

And there a section that was reading last night, where this

sailor that time period is

explaining to the doctor every

single part, this

will not ever be on broadcast. I'm


BR: I'm

Peter: just giving to you.


And listen to this

Clip: The mainstay goes from just under here and supports the main last below us. Perhaps I best finish the the masts go on to the yards

Peter: Okay. But perhaps I best finish masts before I

go to the yards

BR: and your point being,

Peter: hang on,


BR: You're confusing yards with spars.

Peter: You're exactly right. And I


I, that just occurred to me right now.

BR: So can I have that dollar now?

Peter: Absolutely. All right.

more than a dollar. Yeah.

Uh, God

BR: Glad we disposed of that one.

Peter: Yeah. That's probably going to be on the isn't

BR: You never know.

Peter: Yeah. I'm absolutely certain.

VO: So Peter did make good on his dollar bet, but we still don't know if Mike will get the water pump back in time for The Admiral and I to take a little New Year's Cruise. Or even whether it will be ready for the boat show

But I sure hope so because the day after the boat show, we're scheduled to haul out. What could possibly go wrong?

Don't forget to go to How Not To Sail dot com slash two nine

For the show notes to this episode, including the official version of Peter's song, The Prisoners Lament.

Thanks as always to our awesome Patreon patrons, including our newest crew members, Dave and Carson.

Don't forget, this is your last chance to join the Patreon crew

before the private meetup on Thursday, the 20th. You can help keep How Not To Sail a float for as little as three bucks a month at How Not To Sail dot com slash Patreon.

And huge, thanks as always to our sponsor Latitudes & Attitudes magazine. They ruined my life. So why not let them ruin yours today, at LatsAtts.com.

And by the way, if you've already heard all the How Not To Sail episodes, let me tell you about another great podcast by a friend of mine, just in case you haven't heard it. The Shooting The Breeze Sailing Podcast with Captain Jeffrey Wettig. Not because I'm a guest on Episode 125 or anything, but because he's always a great listen. It's like sitting across from a good friend at the pub, as he talks to a cool guest. And maybe they have a beer or too, metaphorically speaking. Who knows? And I mean, don't you want to have a beer with them? So check out the Shooting The Breeze Sailing Podcast at TheEscapePods.com. That's TheEscapePods.com or wherever you get your favorite podcasts. And I'll put a link in the show notes for this episode as well.

Thanks to Maxi Frini for mixing this episode in for his patients you can find him at Maxi Frini dot com the events and descriptions in this episode represent the editorial viewpoint of this person only, and none other. Don't try any of the stupid stuff described here without consulting your psychologist attorney and or a licensed captain And i'll see you next time on

How Not To Sail, screwing up as part of Cruising. Let me show you how.

So if you will give me just one chance. I'll surely convince you that we should be in each other's pants.

Previous articleEpisode 28: The Punch List
Next articleEpisode 30: Cruising with The Admiral
Bradford Rogers
Producer. Performer. Sailor. Multimedia Ninja. Author of How Not To Sail, host of the How Not To Sail podcast and YouTube channel.


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